Sometimes I think that when God was handing out the high heel and false eyelash genes, I must have been bending over to tie my Converse hightops. I totally missed out! Anyone who knows me knows that it takes a wedding or a funeral to get me to bare my extremities or put on pantyhose. The exception is when I’m doing a princess party, and even then I only do so grudgingly (keeping my feelings hidden once I’m out from behind the scenes). I secretly curse Barbie, Snow White, Tink, and all the other lace-enhanced ladies. Even Princess Fiona from Shrek, who I consider my kind of princess, wears a dress. At least she’s also sans shoes, which I find appealing.
So I hope you can understand my complete and utter bafflement when the conversation at my warehouse took a distinctly feminine turn. The topic that has invaded our office like an insidious virus?: the new nail gel polishes that have become all the rage.
The buzz started last November when one of our employees, Brittany, was about to get married. I must have missed the watercooler huddle about her new set of nails due to an incredibly busy schedule, and my strict avoidance of any and all wedding discussions (for some reason, late in my life, I am surrounded by blushing brides!).
This week, my sister Freda (who actually enjoys being pampered, powdered, and fluffed when she’s not covered in seven layers of paint) came into the office all puffed up, displaying her very hip hands. She waved her blue-tipped fingers in my line of vision, completely distracting me from the party proposal I was writing. Evidently she had seen this newest craze on Pinterest (her newest obsession), and decided to give it a try. The flash of her fingers almost sent me into an epileptic seizure! When I say those puppies were glossy, I mean glossy. Like, take-out-an-airplane-with-the-reflection glossy. I-can-apply-my-makeup-by-looking-at-your-fingernails glossy. You-really-ought-to-have-a-license-to-flash-those-hands-around glossy.
It didn’t take long before the chatter began. At first it as just a low murmur from the next office as Simone and Freda exchanged gasps and giggles, but soon Catharine and even Walter and Steve were getting into the admiration act. The office sounded like it had been taken over by the parrots of Telegraph Hill.
Finally my curiosity got the better of me and I had to look into this latest craze. Ultimately, I needed to know if this was something we should offer at our parties, like hair feathers and tinsel. It turns out that the gel is applied like normal polish, but then you stick your hands under a UV light for 30 seconds, which literally sears the gel to your nail. A second coat of color and a coat of gloss are applied in the same manner. The result is pretty amazing, I must say. My sister uses her hands hard (to say the least!), and the fact that three days in she still had not had a single chip was a pretty good recommendation. I did some more research into the technique, and the only drawback I can see is that the gel seems really, really hard to remove, which makes sense, when you consider that you’ve literally fused your nail particles with the gel!
Now of course both Simone and Catharine are talking about getting it done. Which means I’d better get a bigger office to keep away from the chatter, or at least invest in a pair of good sunglasses -- you know, for the glare.